3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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