i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
