Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
