My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
