i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Randomize
