i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I can't trust your balls anymore.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize