If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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