You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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