he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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