Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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