Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize