and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize