Apparently you make a good broom.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
