Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
worst night to have a conscience
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
