batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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