I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
