That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
