Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
