why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
