I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
