Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
