Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
