Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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