I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
