I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
