You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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