I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
