dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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