I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I would fuck him just for his dog
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