I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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