there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
