Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
