This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize