I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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