you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
