I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
