I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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