Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
They have beer where we have blood.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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