The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
