Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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