I can text with my tongue
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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