you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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