My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just googled if crying burns calories
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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