May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
