Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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