Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
