what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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