I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
