Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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