Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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