woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
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