I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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