my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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