Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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