I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm passing your future prison.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
