i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
