i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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