I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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