ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
