I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize